HAPPY #FRIENDSGIVING this month of November is all about what your thankful for and I know we are all so thankful for friends and friendships that we share. When I started thinking of the perfect person to share some friendship sunshine with us I knew Dr.Melanie Mills would be amazing!!! Dr.Mel and I have really thought through these questions and answers that your about to read so that you can truly understand what a friendship is, what kind of friend you are, what to look for in a quality friendship, and so much more. Welcome to part one of this three part series. I can’t wait to hear your thoughts and hopefully these posts will really make you think about how you can cultivate a healthy and real friendship.

What do you think the most important tip is you would give to high school students about friendship? 

It’s so fun hanging our in your friends’ bedrooms, silly dancing to Bruno Mars, and chatting about the latest way to contour your base makeup while waiting patiently for the group text telling you to head over California Pizza Kitchen for salads. Unfortunately, sometimes friendship shifts intervene.. Some leave the group because they’ve chosen another path, while others are “kicked out” because the Queen B no longer approves..

Friend“shifts” happen:

Understanding that fractures, divisions, and shifts will happen. People change, wants and desires change as well. However, some friendships will grow with you and will stay for the long haul. Those friends that help make you a better person, care about you, take an interest in your life and you do the same for them for the ones that are extra special.

Grace Abounding:

Give friends grace. All of us are trying to find our way. Some mature at a faster pace than others. Some can learn by observation, while others have to learn from experience.

Choose Wisely:

We become like those we hang around. Show me who you are hanging out with the majority of the time and I will show you what you will look like in 5 years. It matters who we surround ourselves with. Choose friends that are safe people. Those that abandon when the going get tough, avoid when conflict arrises, criticize those they don’t understand, or gossip as a second language are some you can pay attention to. The high school years can cause us to gravitate towards people for shallow reasons and forget to look at each person as a human being. Maybe it’s the party crowd that we are drawn to, and then we wonder why we don’t have any true friends to call in the middle of the night. We have chosen to surround ourselves with the “fun” people that aren’t always thinking about our feelings after we’ve broken up with our long term boyfriend. Choose wisely- Be aware of the reasons why you have chosen the friends you have chosen. Maybe they chose you and you aren’t sure how you ended up with this crowd. We really do reap what we sow. If you’re investing in friends that don’t share similar core values – then it’s going to be challenging at times and limit your expectations for loyalty and trust.

How would you explain the different types of friendships (categories) one can have?

I used to think that I had to be close with everyone. Then I learned about boundaries and handling my own heart with care. This is where I started placing certain friends in certain categories. I stopping expecting my friends that called me to listen to their lives, ask me about my own life. I didn’t put them in a reciprocating category because it was one sided. I love them as a person and care deeply for them, but I know that our conversations are mostly going to be about them. At times I would choose the fun friend and then wonder why I felt alone when I needed a friend to talk to. My fun friend was fabulous, but her sole focus was on having fun. She didn’t want to be bogged down with deep chit chat and a heart wrenching sob story. Once I figured out that I could have different types of friends for different reasons, I was free! I made an effort to glean from my wise friends. I poured into my friends that were desiring what I had to offer. I spent time with friends that were fun and made me laugh. I made time for my deep, reflective, empathetic friends when I needed a good heart to heart. The key is found in becoming your authentic self so that you not only know what you have to offer others, but you are also able to fully offer those strengths of yours to your friendships. If you’re a deep thinker that loves to help others- you know that that is how you will offer your friends love. So, go deep and show up when they are needing some love. This also helps you to let go of expecting the deep, methodical friend to be the last minute, let’s go to Six Flags and ride rides friend. She might need a week to prepare in advance. Or you can let go of being disappointed when your fun friend isn’t patient enough to drag on a long conversation about your broken heart and how you will mend the pieces.

How would you define a healthy friendship?

A friend who has your best interest in mind. And a friend who is healthy themselves.  A friend that allows you to be your authentic self without judgement. A friend that you don’t feel as if you have to “edit” yourself around. They accept you for who you are- the good, the bad, and the ugly. The healthier your friend is- the more free she is to accept you for yourself. The more wounded (low self worth) the more stipulations and expectations she will place on you- because she has not yet healed herself.

What are good signals of someone having your best interest in mind? 

They desire to present you in your best light. You don’t worry about them talking behind your back. They come directly to you when they have an issue or struggle with your friendship. They give you freedom and welcome your concerns, joys, victories, and struggles.