RELATIONSHIP ADVICE COLUMN WITH DR.MEL
Dr. Melanie Ross Mills is a nationally recognized Life Strategist, Relationship & Friendship Expert. She is an incredible author and podcast host. Aside from all of her accomplishments, “Dr. Mel” is one of my favorite people in the world. She was thrilled to answer all of your burning questions and I am so thankful to have her on the blog!
also want to say thank you so much to everyone who submitted questions… I learned so much from the questions you sent in & hope you do too! xx
How can I work on being friend jealous? I don’t want my best friend to leave for someone.
I love this question because we’ve all been there. The good part is… you’ve taken the first step by admitting your true feeling of jealousy. Now it’s time to take the next step and understand what you’re feeling. Then take another step towards implementing a healthy viewpoint instead of a toxic one that’s producing worry and angst.
Step 1: Admit your feelings
Step 2: Seek to understand why you’re feeling this way with some self-reflective questions.
- Has your bestie given you reason to think that she’s going to leave you or is this an unwarranted fear?
- Are you comfortable enough to communicate what you’re feeling and articulate why? If you were to share with her how you’re feeling, could it help you both grow closer?
- Are you open to hanging out with other friends so that all of your eggs aren’t in one basket? This takes the pressure off of placing too much focus and dependence on one person. We all need room to breath. Possessiveness is never an attractive quality, nor is it healthy. We can become co-dependent if we lean on one person to be our everything.
- What’s the root of what’s causing you to feel insecure, jealous, and threatened? Have you been left “in the dust” in the past? If so, what happened and how did it turn out? Many times when we have a friend start hanging out with other people, we end up better off because the next group of friends help us grow and learn even more. “With every goodbye, we learn.”
Step 3: The reality is… we can’t control anyone- as much as we wish we could. We can’t make anyone stay. Friendship is a choice and we want it to always be a choice. This is what makes friendship an absolute gift. Of course we want to be chosen by those we care about. But the truth is, we all need the power to choose who we give our hearts to in friendship and we need to extend this power to our friends. It has to go both ways. So as fearful as we are of being left for someone else, we really do want them to have the power to choose and we get the power to choose also. We’re free to make new friends as are they. We might drift apart for a while because we are growing, changing, priorities aren’t in sync, lifestyle choices change, or maybe it’s time for us to learn new things from new friendships, as well as, help others learn and grown by being in relationship with us. The best part is when our friends understands this part of life and the door is always open in the future.
Step 4: Embrace your worth and rest in knowing that you’re a friend that’s worthy to be valued and appreciated. You don’t have to bend over backwards to make someone like you. Just be yourself. There are plenty of friendship fish in the sea that would love to hang out with you. Don’t get wrapped up in the superficial, temporal friendships that are untrustworthy, toxic, and fickle. Stay true to yourself. Be the friend you want others to be to you. Invest in the friendships that are in keeping with who you want to become and love on the friends that can learn from you.
Should I try to talk to a guy who I like, even when he doesn’t make the first move?
It depends on the situation but I’m a big believer in letting the guy make the first move as far as asking you out. I know it’s old fashioned, but it’s cool when a guy gets to know you for who you are and then asks you out. Which means you can talk to him and make an effort to be friends in an organic way (Not the Snap and DM sort of way). You’re extra special and want to be viewed as such. Hang around in his orbit and let him get to know you as a friend. This allows you to get to know him as well. Who knows you might discover that without “rose colored glasses” he’s not all you’ve made him out to be in your mind. Most lasting relationships have a solid friendship foundation. Taking the friendship approach will ease the pressure. Give him time to discover your charm, whit, depth, coolness, intelligence, and beauty. Unless he’s clueless, he will catch on that you like him.
What do you do with friendships when one of you has outgrown the other?
I mention Friendship Categories in my book, The Friendship Bond. I would suggest that you move them into a different category. This doesn’t mean you’re not friends. It just means that you’re both going in a different direction for the time being. It’s time for you to learn new things, experience other friendships in different ways that will help you become more of who you are meant to be and continue to grow even more. You don’t have to make a big announcement. Let time take it’s course. It will play out as needed.
How to handle multiple friend groups?
I love multiple friend groups because you get to know different types of people. Good for you for having more than one. My thoughts are to examine whether or not you’re experiencing healthy friendships within the groups. Sometimes we can miss getting deep and growing through conflict and bonding if we become “friend collectors.” Are you putting down some roots wherever you’re planted with friends that love you for you? Friends that are trustworthy? Friends that have your best interest in mind? As long as you’re sensitive in how you handle these friendships you should be good. Make an effort with them. Eliminate gossip and toxicity. If one group is jealous or envious of the other group, you might find it exhausting in having to manage them both. In this case, you’ll probably end up landing on one over the other most of the time. Hopefully you’ll choose the healthy friendships.
What to do when your best friend is trying to become friends with your enemy?
This is tough, tough. I wish I knew more as to why she’s your enemy. Did she steal your boyfriend? Gossip about you? Jealousy? Tough one to answer without more details.
I’m finding it very hard to get over an ex- it’s been 1 year and a half. Help, I still love him.
I am so deeply sorry. I really am. It’s painful when we still love someone after a break up. I realize this doesn’t carry much weight and you’re probably tired of hearing this but, “I promise, it does get better.” I’m proud of you for identifying your feelings and admitting how you truly feel. Many of us want to stuff our feelings down, only to find them resurfacing in future relationships. There’s a reason you broke up. I recommend journaling about this past relationship. Write out why you broke up. What happened. How you felt. How did your ex feel? What did you learn from this relationship? What would you have done differently? What did you value? Sometimes when we look back at how the relationship helped us and how it taught us life lessons we’re able to let go a little more. It seems as if you’re needing some more closure? We can love someone and even miss them, but also need to let them go. Take what you learned about yourself and people, embrace how you grew, forgive where needed, and move forward so that you’re open for the next person that will come along. Fill your life with friends, family, God. You’re a treasure and never need to settle for anything less.
Balancing friends with school
Friends are what sustain us when we need a break from life, support through hard times, a really good laugh, and a big bear hug. That’s why it’s important to carve out some time to build on these friendships. Not the friends that don’t understand you’re busy. The friends that will be flexible with you where you are and understand all that you have on your plate. There’s a reason celebrities hang out with celebrities. They understand the lifestyle and it’s demand. Carve out time once a month or every other week to grab lunch or coffee with your buddies. You’ll be glad you did. Invest in them and let them invest in you. Thank them for understanding that you can’t go to every party because of your goals. They want to know that they’re special to you and you need to be reminded that you are special to them. You’ll be able to prioritize school, sports, activities once you figure out how to manage it all.
How can I make more friends when I’m a generally shy person?
How do I go out of my comfort zone to meet new people when I am really shy?
I’m am introvert and so how can I work on reaching out to people?
Introverts are beautiful! Being shy is a gift. However, you’ll want to stretch yourself and step out of your comfort zone because it won’t come naturally to you. Take one day at a time and one step at a time. Each day find one action step that you can take to meet someone new or catch up with someone you know. Whether it’s joining a club or saying hi to a new person in class, stretch yourself to branch out. The more you do it, the less scary it will feel. If you go into the situation remembering that YOU have so much love to give and a lot to offer those around you, it will help your approach. People want to get to know you, you just have to let them. We love our introverts because they’re good listeners, offer sound wisdom, are deeply caring, and make excellent best friends. Don’t under estimate all that you have to offer. You’re the one that we want on our team.
How to deal with your older sister moving far away to college?
SKYPE!! FACETIME!! Schedule Sunday chats every other week for 20-30 minutes. Not too long and not too short. If you don’t schedule it, it won’t happen. Make an exerted effort to chat with her. She misses you too so don’t take it personally when she’s extra busy with college classes and social life. Carve out time and you should be golden. Then, come Christmas it will be extra fun!
All my friends have had a boyfriend except me. How can I learn to love being single?
Congrats!!!! Let them have boyfriends. No seriously, let them have boyfriends. There’s too much pressure to date these days and it’s ridiculous! The fact is, you could have a boyfriend. There’s always someone to date. But you want the BEST boyfriend for you… when it’s the right time. There’s so much to love about being single at your age. You avoid heartbreak with a heart that’s still maturing. You avoid having to feel self conscious about everything you do, feel, and say… and eat! LOL. You avoid having the pressure of hanging out when you need to be studying or you’d rather be with your friends and family. Best of all, you get time to learn from your friends; their mess up’s, mistakes, and blunders. THEN… when it’s time… you’ll have the healthiest relationship of them all! AND, you’ll have a guy that values a girl that hasn’t dated a trillion guys.
How do I cut out toxic relationships without causing drama?
I mention Friendship Categories in my book, The Friendship Bond. I would suggest that you move them into a different category. This doesn’t mean you’re not friends. It just means that you’re both going in a different direction for the time being. You can slowly make less of an effort on the weekends and hang with some non-toxic friends on the down low. Which means NO POSTING for a while (creates less drama). It’s time for you to learn new things, experience other friendships in different ways that will help you become more of who you’re meant to become. You don’t have to make a big announcement. Let it play out as needed. Just handle gently and with love.
What should you do if you still like someone even though you friends zoned them.
You still like the person, but you’ve friend zoned them? I’d ask yourself why you moved them in the first place? I’d ask yourself why you still like them? Is it because they seem unobtainable now that you moved them? Or do you just not want them to be with anyone else? Hopefully these questions will help you.
How do you comfort a friend about something when they are always defensive?
It’s hard to be really close to someone that’s always defensive. When there is a lack of accountability, manipulation, pride, black and white thinking, a critical mindset.. it gets exhausting. If you can try and understand why they’re being defensive, it will help you love them where they are. Stay calm in your comforting and even-keeled. Approach them as an equal, not as if you have all of the answers. That might lessen their defensiveness.
Best ways to handle issues that arise from going to two separate colleges.
Meaning, you transferred from one college to another? Can you give me more specifics on which challenges you’re facing?
MUCH LOVE
SOPHIE & DR. MEL
SOPHIE & DR. MEL
